Fear when commenting

I took a chance and expressed myself on Lisa Sonora Beams site. I new i might p--- some people off but it's really been bothering me so......i put the fear aside and left my comment. Here it is. It's Lisa that  cares so much. More about her in my next post (she is awesome).

" I have to get this off my mind. I guess what amazes me is that you care, REALLY care! I am so tired of my in box filling up with sales pitches! You are such a breath of fresh air! I think it’s great that the internet has enabled so many artists to make money whether it be from Etsy or teaching….whatever. I applaud them! I do! I’d like to be one of them some day. I just can’t believe it seems to be the main focus….it’s kind of sad, art is so much more than that. It’s time for me to unsubscribe and be more selective in the future. thanks for listening, i feel better all ready. Does anyone else feel this way or is it just me?

(Maybe it is just me)"

I was pleasantly relieved when the first comment agreed.  I'm not sure if I'm allowed to share her post here or not. I'll try to figure out the correct link and put it in my next post which will be soon. Ha! the first time i typed allowed i spelled it aloud...not sure what that means!

Looking back

So now I've read my last two posts over and over unsure if i should've hit the publish button. And you know what? i reminded myself why i'm writing about aging. It is for me. So i can possibly work through the dread i feel about my future. Maybe i can change my outlook before October. Aging may not be the most entertaining subject but it's honest and right where i am in my life.

A Continuation from my Post dated 6/20

I want to embrace aging - actually embrace it, not just say that i am.

I hide. You couldn't pay me to go to a H.S. reunion. Or go to our suburban summer festival. I might see someone I know and not remember my last encounter with them because I was too drunk. Or it's a really bad hair day and oh yeah, my teeth aren't white enough. Again, i hide. My complexion is too pale or grey from smoking & living on caffeine. I can't talk to them - i am too ugly. Or my clothes look like hell. Again, i hide.

When I'm 60 i might look back & think wow, too bad i didn't realize i was good enough to run into old friends then. Look at me now? i really can't go shopping in my old neighborhood. On & on & on & on.

We ALL age! Why do i see women celebrate age and they do it with such Grace. Their peace, acceptance, and wisdom shines. Again, i hide.

I wonder if theres not some guilt going on. Guilt over not giving up sugar, cigarettes,  & coffee. Guilt over not doing yoga, exercising, & meditating/praying.

I've always admired the Crone. Her long, gray hair in a bun or braid, no makeup on yet beautiful. And a small figure from daily yoga and walking.

Now i finally have my natural hair color back and it's long. I hate the color & want blonde hi-lites again but that won't get me looking like my admired Crone, now would it? no. it. won't.

Aging & my journey of moving forward

Aging
I'm afraid of it yet i can't escape it. Unless... and i really hate hearing "It's better than the alternative, isn't it?"  shut.  up.  I'm talking about a time in life that we're all going to go through. I was ok on my 30th & 40th birthdays. Hell, i thought i was ok on my 50th & maybe i was. It's 4 1/2 years later and i am not ok with my up & coming birthday. They can stop coming now. I'd like to stay right where i am thank you.

Lately i have been thinking alot about my younger years and how fast the time has gone. I wish my short term memory was as sharp as my long term memory (a common statement among menopausal women). This is my point: loss of memory is not a joke but we all joke about it right along with "hot flashes" (including me). I suppose we joke to lighten the mood and use it as an excuse when we have forgotten something important.

I have realized i need to talk (blog) about it because I'm right smack dab in the middle of it. Turning 55 this October is FREAKIN me out! I can't even imagine my 60th- OMG! It seems like yesterday i was experiencing my first love,

And then there is that invisible cord that connects our thoughts. From babysitting my mind went to my fear of being alone in our 2 story house where Tilly Tackie had died. I swear that house had her ghost. I remember stretching the telephone cord from the wall phone as far and taut as it would go keeping my girlfriend on the phone while i made it upstairs. That way she could call the cops if the boogey man got me. How funny to think about the days before mobile phones - they really can simplify things.

I'm not writing this post to relive my memories. I'm writing to get these memories out and let them go.

I have to stop now because blogger isn't giving me anymore room!